A Human Being With Feelings

I thought I am strong. But I was wrong. I thought I am emotion-less. But I was wrong. I thought I can fully ignore what has been talked about me, what has been going around behind me...But I was wrong.

I am a human being with feelings, after all. Yes, I cried. I cried even more when the car came to a full stop near Dear's work-place last nite. While waiting for him to finish work, I text my sista love. It juz got too overwhelming that I needed someone to pour out to at that point of time. Thank you for being there for me.

All these years, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching every now and then. I've been asking myself what major crime have I done towards her to deserve this. It's not only now. As far as I can remember, it was eversince my childhood days. Even my bestfriend since Primary One remembers the verbal, mental and physical abuse that I went through during my childhood days, right through my teenage years, although it became mild when I started my working life. Of course, she could not hit me when I have reached my 20s, right? Also because, probably, I began to give her part of my salary every month. Yes, money. Money is the root of all happiness but money can also be the root of all evil. What kept me going since young was the unconditional love showered to me by my beloved Ayah. He was strict, like the typical traditional father, but he also could see reasons when explained.

Now, what keeps me going is my loving husband and our four children. For all the curses and swears that she showered upon my family, I pray to Allah swt to protect my family and I from harm, from sickness, from accidents, etc. Dear and I wanna raise our kids up well and see them grow up to be good people, successful, have their own families and prosper duniawi and ukhrawi.

To hell with my 3 elder brothers. They are the type who would rather see their own flesh and blood suffer than to make the situation better between her and me. I pity them. They probably didn't get enough loving from their wives, and that's the reason why they crave for so much attention from our mother, now that they are in their 50s. Kesiaaaannn...